BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?