explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
shut up and take my money
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.