My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You can’t outrun your problems…
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.