Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.