[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
…..pretty much.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*puts words between two asterisks*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]