*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this