Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You Might Also Like
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
liiiiiiiiike
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]