Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
How actors in movies eat their food
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT