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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*