You Might Also Like
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me, in DM rooms…
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!