*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.