When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Wait a minute
Childbirth is so beautiful
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I need to get some bricks…
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites