Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening