You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
going to the ER y’all need anything
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.