My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.