Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁