If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.