Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
okay run it by me one more time
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.