I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.