Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.