If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
What flavor cupcake are these
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.