[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
You Might Also Like
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.