No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
lost dog
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
i love modern commerce
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.