I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have