I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.