The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
wtf is an acronym
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*