My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
You Might Also Like
Me when my alarm goes off
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*ernest hemingway voice*
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute