A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*