When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
everyone has that one prude friend
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Taking phone security to the next level.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.