changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
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Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Guantanamo Bae
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.