bro what is going on at twitter
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
same energy
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
what do you want!!!!!!!!