Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes