Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.