I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[eulogy]
line?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!