Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.