me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
only 11 steps left
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The best plant holders?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”