sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Go hard or stay average
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I beg your pardon?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.