*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Peace was never an option
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes