[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
new record!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*