11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
my nickname in college
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that