My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word