My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents