My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
describing stardew valley
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Webb. James Webb.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.