Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
britain’s three elite institutions
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.