Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments