I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.