My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.