I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?