“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
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5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.