Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Oh the world we live in…
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*